25 of the funniest Red Dwarf quotes we can remember

25 of the funniest Red Dwarf quotes we can remember

(Photo credit: CC license Wikipedia)

Cult sci-fi show Red Dwarf is pretty much top of the list when it comes to quotes and one-liners. We love everything about this classic British comedy, and you'll see its influence in many of our Red Dwarf inspired T-Shirt designs.

The list of our favourite quotes is basically endless, but here's a selection of the ones that always get us laughing...


Kryten: Well Space Corp Directive 195 clearly states that in an emergency power situation, a hologrammatic crew member must give up his life in order that the living crew members might survive.

Rimmer: Yes but Rimmer Directive 271 states just as clearly: 'no chance you metal bastard'.

Lister: Rimmer, real dumplings, proper dumplings when they're properly cooked to perfection, proper dumplings, should not bounce.

Rimmer: Erm, I think we're all beginning to lose sight of the real issue here, which is: what are we going to call ourselves? And I think it comes down to a choice between "The League Against Salivating Monsters," or - and this is my personal preference - "The Committee for the Liberation and Integration of Terrifying Organisms and their Rehabilitation Into Society." Erm, one drawback with that - the abbreviation is C.L.I.T.O.R.I.S.

Rimmer: Call it extreme if you like, but I propose we hit it hard and hit it fast with a major - and I mean major - leaflet campaign.

Rimmer: You lost your virginity on a golf course? How'd you have the nerve?

Lister: It wasn't in the middle of the Ryder Cup or anything'! It was midnight.

Lister: Three million years! I've still got that library book!

Lister: Oh God, aliens... Your explanation for anything slightly peculiar is aliens, isn't it? You lose your keys - it's aliens. A picture falls off the wall - it's aliens. That time we used up a whole bog roll in a day, you thought that was aliens as well!

Rimmer: It's my duty. My duty as a complete and utter bastard!

Holly: Nothing wrong with dog's milk. Full of goodness, full of vitamins, full of marrowbone jelly. Lasts longer than any other type of milk, dog's milk.

Lister: Why?

Holly: No bugger'll drink it.

Rimmer: What? Just because we're three million years into deep space and the human species is extinct? That means nothing to these people. They'll find us.

Lister: You look like Clive of India!

Kryten: Sir, would you describe the accused [Rimmer] as a friend?

Cat: Take the Fifth!

Kryten: An excellent plan, with just two drawbacks: One, we don't have a power source for lasers; and Two, we don't have any lasers.

Ace: Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast.

Kryten: They've taken Mr. Rimmer! Sir, they've taken Mr. Rimmer!

Cat: Quick - let's get out of here before they bring him back!

Lister: I'm gonna use my brains for the first time in my life.

Kryten: Considering the circumstances, sir, do you really believe that's wise?

Lister: We're a real Mickey Mouse operation, aren't we?

Cat: Mickey Mouse? We ain't even Betty Boop!

Lister: I'll tell you one thing. I've been to a parallel universe, I've seen time running backwards, I've played pool with planets and I've given birth to twins, but I never thought in my entire life I'd taste an edible Pot Noodle.

Kryten: With respect sir, you think Jesus was a hippie.

Rimmer: Well, he was. He had long hair and he didn't have a job. What more do you want?

Kryten: Sir, I'll stake my reputation on it.

Rimmer: Kryten, you haven't got a reputation.

Kryten: No, sir, but I'm hoping to acquire one from this escapade.

Kryten: Whatever it is, they clearly have a technology way in advance of our own!

Lister: So do the Albanian State Washing Machine Company.

Rimmer: Step up to Red Alert!

Kryten: Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb.

Rimmer: You can't scare me, I'm a coward! I'm always scared!

Ace Rimmer: You can’t judge a book by its cover.

Lister: You can’t confuse Rimmer with a book. A book’s got a spine.

Bear Strangler McGee: That pays for the hat. What about the insult?

Rimmer: OK, you’re a fat, bearded git with breath that could paralyse a grizzly.

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